I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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