sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
