Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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