Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
