I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
