remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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