Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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