just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
