dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
