Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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