i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
