Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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