I faked an abortion last night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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