I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
