Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
