i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
