I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
