did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
