I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
