I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
