Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
