when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
