I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
