I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
