I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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