my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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