How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
