remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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