Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sundayâ€
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