Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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