so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
