tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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