My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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