I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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