And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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