I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
