Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
