Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't put those talents on a resume
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
