Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
