He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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