I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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