In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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