I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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