meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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