I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
