I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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