You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
