girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
