Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
you made out with another girl for some wings
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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