Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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