I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My ass is underappreciated
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
