This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
