Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
